According to my ex-girlfriends, both real and imaginary, I am: nice but mean; altruistic but selfish; hard-working but lazy; happy but moody; likeable but detestable; open-minded but judgmental; rational but deranged; forgiving but vengeful; accepting but insanely jealous; intelligent but stupid; pleasant but insufferable. The lesson, as always: women are fickle, as a feather in the wind. Either that, or I'm schizophrenic.