Saturday, March 29, 2008

Piggsburgh: the cradle of misogyny

After yet another home playoff defeat in which the sore-loser Piggsburgh Steelers insisted they were the better team, a wag much cleverer than myself wrote that denial must be one of the Three Rivers. That philosophy was in display this past week, when the Steelers took a tough stance against fringe WR Cedrick Wilson, all the while conveniently playing the "to err is human, to forgive divine" card on star LB James Harrison. Both players face domestic abuse and battery charges. Wilson sucker-punched an ex-girlfriend who had threatened to shoot him, and Harrison slapped an ex-girlfriend so hard that he sent her glasses flying and left an imprint of his hand on her face that was still visible hours later. Harrison, who has previously undergone various bouts of anger and violence counseling, has team owner Dan Rooney's unconditional support. Wilson, on the other hand, was sent packing without so much as a fare-thee-well. So why was Harrison forgiven, if not for the obvious reason that the Steelers don't give a shit about contemptible behaviour (Harrison not only hit a woman, he hit a woman with glasses!) so long as the players produce on the field? Fasten your moral ambiguity seatbelts, for here comes Dan Rooney's explanation of the shenanigans.

"What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it," Rooney told reporters about Harrison's intent. "He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn't want to do it." In other words, she had it coming... right, Danny boy? But after Wilson performed his equally disgusting act of domestic abuse, Rooney uttered an even more befuddling jewel of doublespeak: "To clarify the comments made earlier regarding the conduct of our players, in no way do we condone domestic violence of any kind," read his statement. "Each incident must be considered on a case-by-case basis. In the situation with James Harrison, he contacted us immediately after his incident and has taken responsibility for his actions. In today's decision with Cedrick Wilson, we determined the situation was severe enough to warrant the player being released immediately. We trust that today's roster move will indicate our intentions and send a message that we will not tolerate this type of conduct."

Rooney's obviously taking advantage of the fact that the average IQ of Steelers fans is a negative integer, because even though his "Harrison's heart was in the right place" drivel is being rightfully excoriated throughout the nation, the denizens of Piggsburgh continue to defend their misogynistic prophet. The basic message here is that glorified taxi-squad Steeler scabs better not do anything to sully the "glorious" Steeler code of ethics. Important starters, on the other hand, have carte blanche to do as they please. Rooney, in fact, is already hard at work fabricating pathetic excuses in case any more of his employees decide to enact their own peculiar version of noblesse oblige:

Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: "Benny Rottenburger's a biker, and they're kind of a rough-and-tumble breed. His heart was in the right place."

Wide Receiver / Cheshire Cat impersonator Hines Ward: "Hiney's half Korean, you know, and his defense, in Asian cultures, women rank below dogs, cats, rats, and even cockroaches on the respect scale. So it's an international thing. Let's not be xenophobic here."

Running Back Najeh "The Dump Truck" Davenport: "Well, at least Naj didn't dump a five-pound load of Mars bars in her laundry basket afterwards."

Special teams ace Allen Rossum: "She wasn't really hurt by Allen. I think she was just playing Rossum."

Linebacker James Farrior: "Look, this is all a letters thing. JF could stand for Justifiable Force. Plus, if you change the "F" in Farrior for a "W," it becomes Warrior. Not only that, you go from Failure to Winning... and that's what the Steelers are all about."

Safety Troy Polamalu: "He wasn't trying to hurt anyone. He was just trying to wave his long, luxurious hair out of his God-like Polynesian visage, and he misjudged his prodigious reach. It could have happened to anyone."

Defensive Tackle Casey Hampton: "Casey could not possibly have been at the bat in this instance. The man's so fat, he can barely lift his jiggly arms. He may have tried to eat her, but he wouldn't physically abuse her."

Punter Daniel Sepulveda: "Sepultura's the punter! How hard could he have hit her? Come on, people..."

Coach Mike Tomlin: "There are only so many times a man can take being confused with Omar Epps. Coach Malik, I mean, Coach Tomlin is a good man, but everyone, even Coach Juice, I mean, coach Tomlin, has a breaking point."

Ah, deluded Piggsburgh Steeler fans... Keep waving your little yellow arse-wipes while conveniently draping yourselves in the shallow comfort of abject denial. The rest of us know your organization for what it really is: a den of whiny, cowardly hypocrisy.

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