Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The struggle continues

I've been away forever, but that's in large part because I'm feeling a million times better than I've ever felt in my entire life. Depression is my muse, and my muse has been blissfully silent since The Great Medication Jackpot of 2013. Even so, I still constantly think about suicide. Not sure why. Just to clarify, it's mostly harmless -- at least I hope -- ideation. But it still shocks me, no matter how much or little it happens. And it happens a lot. This is especially troubling because these suicidal thoughts are ready to pounce at any given time and place, whether I'm having a down day or whether I'm having a phenomenal day. I'll be there enjoying a wonderful moment with my girlfriend, or a slice of cheesecake, or reading a good book, or talking to a friend, and I'll think, "This is nice. But do you know what would be even better? Death." Crazy, both figuratively and literally. 😵

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