A primer on the Boston Red Sox

So it's wait 'til next year, again, for yet another member of the Holy Quaternity... my favourite one, to tell the truth. Cleveland may be a football town, but I will always be a baseball guy. I adore all members of the Holy Quaternity, but I practically live and die with the Tribe. This year was especially rewarding, because a young, exciting, unheralded Indians team had an almost magical run when everything seemed to go right, culminating in their first postseason appearance since 2001 and their first postseason series win since 1998, against the "mighty" Yankees, no less! Alas, the overachieving greatness of my beloved Tribe came to a pathetic, whimpering end last night when they were clobbered by the Boston Red Sox in the deciding game of the ALCS.

But why be bitter? It's a new day, it's a new life, and even though I'm not really feelin' good, I'm going to do the unthinkable and actually be gracious in defeat. So, I won't rant and rave about how the Red Sox and their bitchy, PMS-suffering fan base whine about the Yankees being evil overspending douche bags who sully the game by fielding the best teams that money can buy, all the while conveniently ignoring the fact that the Sox are pretty much a less competent version of the Yankees (they spend a teensy weensy little less money but have only two championships over the past 80 or so years to show for their freewheeling assholishness -- I always think of the Sox as the "Yankees JV"). I'll also refrain from pointing out that everyone from New England sounds like a mentally retarded child trying to speak through a very large mouthful of peanut butter. Instead, I'll simply give a little primer on the Red Sox -- after all, they get so little coverage from the media, it's a wonder anyone knows anything at all about them.

• Like the Tribe, the Red Sox are a charter member of the American League. The team was founded in 1901 as the Boston Americans. The team's name was changed to Red Sox in 1908 to commemorate the following riddle: "How can you tell when a Boston woman is on her period? She's only wearing one sock!" Owner John Taylor wanted to pay tribute to the "missing" sock by changing the team's name to Orange/Red Sox, but decided that adding the requisite yellow shades of urine, yeast, and/or pus to the blood colour would be too expensive, so he forsook accuracy for dollars and shortened the name to Red Sox.

• Second baseman Dustin Pedroia has exceptional plate coverage. He achieves this by diving over the plate every time he swings at a pitch, then crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee every time an opposing pitcher has the gall to back him off the plate by throwing high and inside at him. The Indians should bean his faggoty ass at least once a game next season.

• First baseman Kevin Youkilis is frighteningly intense, sweats copiously during every at-bat, and exhibits more twitches and nervous ticks than a crack addict on the DTs... but you didn't hear the words "steroid rage ticking time-bomb" from me.

• Designated hitter David Ortiz goes by the nickname "Big Papi" in public. Behind closed doors, though, his teammates refer to him as "La Hormona."

• Left fielder Manny Ramirez is an exceptional hitter, but he may very well be the dumbest human being on the planet. How dumb is he? The Kids of Widney High offered him an honorary spot in their band, then rescinded it after meeting him on the grounds that he was "too much of a retard."

• Third baseman Mike Lowell is originally from Puerto Rico and looks like the villain in one of those cheesy Mexican soaps. He is currently under investigation for several fondling incidents during the past dozen Puerto Rican Day parades. He has denied the charges vehemently, insisting that "those bitches be lying."

• Right fielder J.D. Drew is a legitimate five-tool player whose career has been marred by his dispassionate, uninterested, lazy disposition. At the end of the 2006 seasons, the Dodgers let him walk, becoming the third team to give up on him. The Red Sox stepped in and promptly signed him to a $70 million contract. But no, it's the Yankees who are evil overspenders. Idiots.

• Catcher Jason Varitek is the team's captain and unquestioned leader. He earned the respect of his teammates by smacking Alex Rodriguez during a confrontation. Apparently, guys who beat up women automatically become folk heroes in Boston.

• Center fielder Coco Crisp was actually a likeable, hustling player when he broke in with the Tribe. Two seasons in Boston have turned him into an underachieving hot dog who dives during every catch, even when the ball is hit right to him. He also sports the ugliest, most uneven braids I've ever seen.

• Shortstop Julio Lugo does more crotch grabbing in one game than Jenna Jameson, Traci Lords and Marilyn Chambers managed over the course of their collective careers. Other than that, he's an unremarkable "stiff."

• Staff ace Josh Beckett was dating country whodat Danielle Peck, but dumped her when his sister became available. I guess if she was good enough for Josh Beckett, Sr., then... well, you know how the rest goes.

• Curt Schilling is mercifully nearing the end of his career, but that hasn't stopped him from bringing up his "I pitched with a broken foot," fake-blood-on-sock red paint bonanza "heroic" deed every chance he gets.
  

• Daisuke Matsuzaka was the hot commodity du jour going into the past offseason. In an effort to out-Yankee the Yankees, the Red Sox bid $51 million just for the right to negotiate with this fur-lined tool. Well done, Yankees JV.

• Tim Wakefield is a knuckleball junkmeister who has redefined the term "journeyman pitcher." He's also third in all-time Red Sox wins and strikeouts. What a glorious, storied franchise.

• Closer Jonathan Papelbon goes by the nickname "Pap Smear," but in an attempt to win over the female demographic, he has decided to develop a rising fastball and changing his nickname to "The Yeast Man."

The 2007 Boston Red Sox team photo:

I hope that little intro to the Red Sox was edifying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put the last five minutes of "The Departed" on a loop so I can watch a half-dozen or so Boston retards get shot in the fucking face over, and over, and over...