Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bumper sticker heaven

Although the traffic in Florida cannot compare to that of Cleveland or Los Angeles, driving in the Sunshine State can still be pretty harrowing. Between nonagenarian daredevils who cruise at a cool 52 mph on the passing lane of the interstate, delusional tailgating hayseeds who think they're channeling the spirit of Dale Idiot Sr., and seemingly narcoleptic 18-wheel truckers, the streets of Florida are not for the faint-hearted. Nonetheless, during my daily drives to and from school, my attention deficit tendencies steer (pun intended) my focus towards the myriad bumper stickers that adorn the vehicles around me. These come in a wide variety, but I tend to lump them into three categories: driving philosophy, personal statements, and religion.

Driving philosophy's greatest hits:
  • Back Off
  • If You Can Read This You're Too Close
  • How's My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT
  • If You Can't See My Mirrors, I Can't See You
  • Don't Push (This one's my favourite, especially when it's a truck driving at a crawl on the passing lane while dumping construction materials out of its ass -- it's as if putting that sticker on the truck gives the driver the right to screw over everyone else on the road.)
Personal statements' greatest hits:
  • My Other Car Is A Mercedes
  • My Other Car Is A Piece Of Shit, Too
  • I Brake For Animals
  • Pro Choice
  • Pro Life
  • You Can Have My Gun When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Fingers
  • I Don't Call 911 (Usually accompanied by a picture of a gun. I love this one, because the guy driving usually looks like a shy, vestal accountant -- I guess these are the guys you SHOULD be afraid of...)
  • No Fear
  • I'd Rather Be Fishing (Interchangeable with Sailing, Boating, Golfing, and At A Klan Rally -- all right, I made that last one up.)
Religion's greatest hits: I feel like a bit of a hypocrite bringing this one up -- I've got crosses tattooed all over my body -- but I think it's my favourite category. To wit:
  • My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter
  • Body Piercing Saved My Life (Usually accompanied by a picture of Jesus' puncture wounds; get it???)
  • Any participant in the Jesus Fish vs. Darwin Amphibian sticker/metal icon brouhaha
  • Let Go And Let God
  • Jesus Saves
  • Nuns Do It Out Of Habit (All right, I made THAT one up too... but how is that not a bumper sticker? If it were, it'd be a best-seller! I'm on my way to the patent office as soon as I post this.)
And my personal fave, just glimpsed this week but immediately becoming the runaway winner of the "Gayest Moment of 2K7" award:

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